/ #humor

Microsoft’s Great Comeback

The year is 2017, for most, Win­dows is a faded mem­o­ry. Google Docs has reduced Office mar­ket­share to a small niche. Cor­tana gets bet­ter and bet­ter, but no one wants to use voice search. Bing is also Cor­tana-powered now, what­ever that means. Actu­al­ly, Cor­tana is inte­grated into everythingOut­look, Pow­er­point, Word; users hate her as much as they hate Clip­py. Microsoft hopes she isn’t too annoying.

As for Ballmer, he’s had a rough few years. The LA Clip­pers have had many ter­ri­ble sea­sons and Ballmer sells the team to Phil Schiller, who some­how brings the team to the top of the league — can’t inno­vate any­more my ass.

Nadella makes all core prod­ucts free and now, the only source of rev­enue are sales of lim­it­ed-edi­tion Xbox­es. Sam­sung has out­bid Microsoft to spon­sor the NFL and hires Stephen Elop as VP of Pro­duct. Google buys Microsoft Research and its asso­ci­ated patents. Mean­while Nadella wheels out Microsoft’s final war chest and spends all of that for­tune acquir­ing 50 more star­tups that don’t make any mon­ey, increas­ing Microsoft’s port­fo­lio of cal­en­dar apps to 34 and email apps to 16.

Look­ing to save the com­pany and sat­isfy the increas­ingly frus­trated share­hold­ers, Microsoft’s Board of Direc­tors makes a deci­sion to fire Nadella to hire some­one from the out­side, gain­ing so-­called out­side per­spec­tive. The choice was clear because there only existed one who pos­sessed all the qualificationsoverqual­i­fied even. Their deci­sion to appoint Leo Apotheker as CEO, Pres­i­dent, Chair­man of the Board, COO, CFO, CTO, as well as Chief Inno­va­tion Offi­cer and Vice Pres­i­dent of Every­thing led to unan­i­mous applause, even among the usual naysay­ers like John Gru­ber (who of course, had pre­dicted it) and Marco Arment.

Microsoft

Apotheker turns around Microsoft by dou­bling down on Win­dows, finally releas­ing the long-awaited Lumia Denim Win­dows Phone update. Microsoft fans, who had left to seek refuge in infe­rior OSes (some even went so far as to use Android and even worse, desk­top Lin­ux) are com­ing back in tro­ves, enchanted by the Peo­ple Hub and Live Tiles.

Overnight, Microsoft mar­ket cap shoots up, as Apple’s stock goes on free fall. Fol­low­ing Michael Del­l’s wise words, Tim Cook resigns and shuts down Apple to give money back to share­hold­ers. Apple’s exec­u­tive team retires to form a rock band. Paul Thurott, Mary Jo Foley, and Tom War­ren start an Apple blog.